13 Things You Can and Can’t Say to Any Baby

Colt 570Appropriate: You’re getting so big.

Inappropriate: You’re getting so big that you should probably cut down on the banana slices.

 

Appropriate: Can you say hi?

Inappropriate: Can you say anything? A warning would be nice before you spit up next time.

 

Appropriate: Peek-a-boo!

Inappropriate: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I knew that would scare you awake.

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10 Ways Toddlers are like Jurassic World’s Indominus Rex

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“That thing out there… That is no dinosaur.” – Owen

  1. Toddlers can’t be contained. The moment you let your guard down, toddlers will do something you didn’t think was possible to escape containment.
  2. Toddlers are always hunting for food. Toddlers rarely finish their food, but they stay on the hunt for food because their hunger is never satisfied.
  3. Toddlers make you want to run. When a toddler is angry, you’re going to want to run away. Only heroes have the nerve to face angry toddlers.
  4. Toddlers don’t like being told what to do. You can count to three again and again and again, but your toddler still isn’t going to want to do what you say and screaming only makes it worse.
  5. Toddlers fight siblings. Toddlers are trying to figure out their place in the food chain and they’ll fight anyone who appears to be competition.
  6. Toddlers leave footprints everywhere. If you want to find a toddler, follow the tiny footprints made of mud, paint or whatever food was for dinner.
  7. Toddlers will destroy their room. You can prepare the safest toddler habitat money can buy and toddlers will still find a way to claw it and destroy it and never look back.
  8. Toddlers love playing hide-and-go-seek. The only thing toddlers love more than hiding is jumping out of their hiding place before you find them.
  9. Toddlers break expensive things. If you break it, you buy it. If your toddler breaks it, it’s probably something you can’t afford. So keep your toddlers away from gyrospheres and other state-of-the-art technology.
  10. Toddlers will not be ignored. Toddlers need your attention and they won’t stop trying to get it until they have every ounce of your heart and you can’t resist them anymore.

“No one’s impressed with dinosaurs anymore.” – Claire

16 Common Phrases Lost in Toddler Translation

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Parent Says: “Only one.”

Toddler Hears: “You won. Take as many as you want.”

Parent Says: “Hurry! We’re going to be late!”

Toddler Hears: “Crawl under a table as fast as you can, take off your socks and wait until we are late!”

Parent Says: “Don’t throw your food.”

Toddler Hears: “Don’t waste your food by letting it sit there without knowing how far it can be tossed or whether it can stick to walls.”

Parent Says: “Do you want a Band-Aid?”

Toddler Hears: “Panic. It’s worse than you thought. Blood is everywhere.”

Parent Says: “Do you need to go potty?”

Toddler Hears: “You’re such a grownup, I bet you could go forever without going potty. Let’s find out.”

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20 Features of a Musical about The ParentNormal

IMG_6635 Parenthood is full of adventure, drama, mystery, horror, comedy and science-fiction, which makes it very well-suited for Hollywood. But for an audience to get the full impact of the parenthood saga, they really need to experience it in person, which means the saga is even better suited for Broadway.

Since you are probably too busy raising kids to see a musical about raising kids on Broadway, here are 20 features of a musical about parenthood that will help you imagine it:

  1. There is no intermission because there are no breaks in parenthood.
  2. The show is standing room only. (Sitting down is forbidden during parenthood.)
  3. The audience can arrive at the show with friends but can’t have any communication with them. (By the end of the show, the audience will be unrecognizable to each other.)
  4. The cast only includes children and stuffed animals.
  5. The show is many years long, but at least one cast member is assigned to each audience member to keep them awake for the entirety of the show.
  6. There is only one song, which is repeated endlessly without the words ever being sung or mumbled exactly the same way twice. (The melody is cheerful, but the audience is quickly haunted by it.)
  7. Costume changes occur on stage throughout the show without any color or setting coordination. (The audience is expected to enthusiastically applaud when small children finish dressing themselves and sarcastically applaud when older children finally finish dressing themselves.)
  8. The audience must entertain the cast and not vice versa.
  9. Every cast member has their own monologue that takes the entirety of the show to deliver. (Everyone’s monologue is different, but the monologues are all related in some way to a snack.)
  10. The kick line actually kicks the audience.
  11. The orchestra primarily includes stick bangers, kazoo throwers and snack box shakers.
  12. Cast members are always present during trips to the bathroom, which lacks stall walls for maximum visibility and room for assistance.
  13. The audience is expected to act too. Their role is to pretend like they are in charge of the show, but everyone will know they are just acting.
  14. The only permitted foods for the audience are leftovers from the hands of cast members.
  15. Dance numbers are not chronological and always involve holding hands and spinning around until everyone falls down.
  16. The audience must pay more money as the musical continues.
  17. The set must be built by the audience on Christmas Eve after the cast falls asleep.
  18. When the curtains close and the audience thinks the show is over, the curtains reopen and the show continues indefinitely.
  19. The audience must clean the theater.
  20. If there are any questions, a cast member is sure to ask it.

25 Rules of Toddler Etiquette at the Dinner Table

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The next time your toddler’s behavior makes you want to give up on family dinners and just serve cereal all day, consider that the problem isn’t their lack of manners. It’s that they still only know the rules of toddler etiquette.

  1. Arrive underdressed. – Let everyone know you aren’t an ordinary diner. Arrive at the table missing at least one piece of clothing such as a sock, shoe, shirt or, ideally, pants. If it is a formal meal, wear extra stickers.
  2. Bring a guest. – A toy should be with you at the table. If necessary, hold the preferred toy hostage until your request for a plus-1 is granted. Your toy will understand.
  3. Be patient. – Wait until seating assignments are settled before selecting another seat to take or lap to sit in.
  4. Sit up straight. – You will know you are sitting up high enough when you are standing in your chair.
  5. Always be the first to order. – Ordering food should begin long before dinnertime and continue until you are asleep in bed.

Read rules 6-25 on the Scary Mommy website where my post was originally featured by clicking here.