Have you ever been eating breakfast, waiting in line at the grocery store or driving a long distance and thought to yourself, “I wonder how long I’ve been asleep?” If so, you need more coffee and somebody who can share driving duties. But more pertinent to this post, you need Sleep.
What’s Sleep? Good question. Few parents know anything about Sleep, not only because it’s hard to get to, but because it’s the theme park I daydream about for parents.
Sleep: The First Theme Park for Parents will be a place where you can finally finish a meal, take a shower by yourself, watch the television shows you want to watch, read an entire text message without the phone being grabbed out of your hands, have a conversation with somebody your age, go on a walk, take up a hobby, sit down without somebody in your lap and many, many more activities you can’t do anywhere in the world, except in Sleep.
Going to sleep won’t always be perfect. It’s possible you could have blurry vision as you are being chased in slow motion through the halls of your old high school until falling endlessly off of a cliff, but at least you will feel rested when you finally leave Sleep. And doesn’t that make it worth the risk?
The marketing for Sleep couldn’t be easier. What parent doesn’t already want to go to Sleep? Every trip to Sleep will leave visitors wanting more, so much so that leaving Sleep can actually be upsetting.
There are a variety of ways to leave Sleep, but they all typically coincide with the screeching feedback of a baby monitor. Exceptions to the baby monitor feedback include leaving Sleep by having a toy thrown at your face, being kicked in the groin by a person laying comfortably beside you or feeling somebody else’s urine wetting your clothes. However, in some fortuitous cases, you will wake up already fixing a bowl of cereal for your children. Even in Sleep, you’re getting work done.
The only people who can’t go to sleep are insomniacs and children under 5. I’ve done everything I can think of to help them go, but insomniacs and children under 5 simply can’t go to Sleep for some unknown and awful reason. But you finally can!
Live the dream. Go to Sleep.
**Share your ideas for Sleep in the comments section**