When my three-year-old daughter and I had our first soccer practice (technically it was just her practice but she insisted that I be a full participant too), I didn’t realize how unprepared she was for her first “organized” sport. My homeschool coaching attempts in the weeks preceding her practice focused on kicking, running and making sure she was aware of the financial flexibility a soccer scholarship could provide us. But I should have been teaching her so much less.

The best soccer lesson you can apparently give a three-year-old is to forget everything you know, at least from kickoff until the coolers are ransacked for juice boxes and orange slices. Soccer fields are where the best laid plans to shield children from loss, thieves and kicks to the shin are transformed into a fleeting hope that nobody gets hurt.

In lieu of treating others how you want to be treated and other traditional parenting lessons, here is what your son or daughter needs to know when stepping on the soccer field:

1. Stealing is encouraged.

The golden rule is not in the soccer rulebook. If you pass the ball to your opponent, they will not pass it back. In fact, they will try to take the ball from you whether you want to give it to them or not.

The best defense for defense is better defense. Take the ball from the other team and never share it with them. Treat them exactly how you have always wanted to treat your siblings.

[Read more…]

Thankfully, mommas make sure toddlers don’t rule the world. But if toddlers did rule the world…

1. Stairs would be replaced with slides.
2. The 5-second rule would be extended to 5 days.
3. We would all live in tent cities.
4. Every book would be declared a coloring book.
5. Restaurants would have signs that read, “No Shirt, No Shoes, Service!”
6. Animal sounds would become an acceptable, if not preferable, form of human communication.
7. Clothing would be optional.
8. Snacks would be served 24 hours a day and dessert would be considered a healthy alternative to breakfast, lunch, dinner and second dinner, which would be the most important meal of the day.
9. Naps would be banned and only free sleep (the act of naturally falling asleep, such as comfortably in a car seat or face down in a cereal bowl) would be permissible, though still frowned upon.
10. Everyone would get a special treat for going potty on the toilet or in a diaper.