The ParentNormal

Your Home for Close Encounters of the Baby, Toddler & Elementary Kind

10 Reasons to Read a Big Book of Parenting Tweets

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BBPTweets Facebook may be the modern photo album where babies are always smiling, toddlers are spill-free and teenagers aren’t too cool to pose with their parents in every picture, but Twitter is the home for the all of the moments captured in between. One glance at a parent’s Twitter timeline and you’ll learn about the spit-up or headbutt that landed the moment after a Facebook photo was taken.

As the home of things parents don’t usually say out loud because there’s nobody old enough nearby to understand or because it’s just too honest, Twitter is a never-ending spring of parenting humor. Every mom and dad should spend a few moments a day reading parenting tweets if only to realize they aren’t alone in the blind chaos of parenthood.

If you aren’t already using Twitter or know how it works, Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood are making it easy for you. They just released a book called The Big Book of Parenting Tweets that features more than 300 hilarious parenting tweets, many of which have been illustrated for the book.

In full disclosure, some of my own tweets I send from @ParentNormal are included in the book, but so are so many others that you’ll recognize as frequent voices on HuffPost Parents’ and NickMom’s weekly list of funniest parenting tweets, among many other top parenting twitter lists.

If you want to buy the book, it’s available now on Amazon. Here’s 10 reasons from the book you should read parenting tweets:

20 Lies You Can (and do) Tell Your Toddler Without Feeling Guilty

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  1. All of your friends are asleep.
  2. You like your medicine.
  3. I’m not going to tell you again.
  4. The quiet game is fun!
  5. Your show ended already.
  6. I will pull this car over.
  7. We’re out of snacks.
  8. The (insert animal) really likes you.
  9. Mommy and Daddy think vegetables are delicious.
  10. Some fish enjoy “swimming” upside down.
  11. We’ll leave without you.
  12. The playground is closed.
  13. You have to eat all of your food.
  14. Nobody will notice the stain on your shirt.
  15. You’re the best (singer, cook, athlete, artist, etc.) in the world.
  16. We’re almost there.
  17. I already checked your closet for monsters.
  18. Maybe tomorrow.
  19. You don’t want to be late.
  20. Good morning.

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Nov. 15, 2014

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Last week I was the guest curator for Huffington Post Parents’ list of ‘Funniest Parenting Tweets’ so I didn’t post any tweets on my blog here. But we’re back with another list this week. (If you want to read my list for HuffPostParents from last week, click here.)

As always, I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Nov. 1, 2014 (Halloween Edition)

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Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

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20 Things Your Baby is Desperately Trying to Tell You

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Colton Bouncer

  1. I don’t care how cute it is. This outfit itches worse than poison ivy.
  2. Oh no! My pacifier has fallen right beside my face. I’ll never be able to reach it now. Help!
  3. Maybe if you stopped rubbing my head so much, you wouldn’t still be wondering why I’m bald. Also, it’s not going to bring you good luck.
  4. Move your head. I can’t see the ceiling fan.
  5. My nose is NOT a button. Please stop pushing it. Tell everyone.
  6. Somebody needs to brush their teeth and it’s not the one of us without teeth, except when Grammy is here.
  7. I don’t find it amusing to be covered ear to ear in baby food by an airplane buzzing my head. Somebody needs to tell the pilot to slow down.
  8. How would you like it if I called you chunky monkey? Thought so.
  9. Nobody makes you wear your seatbelt in a restaurant, so why am I still buckled in my car seat?
  10. Stop smiling at me. Can’t you see that I’m angry at you for laughing at how I keep dropping these damn plastic keys?
  11. Would somebody who didn’t have bladder control be able to warm themself up whenever they wanted? Didn’t think so. (10 seconds later) I didn’t expect the urine to get so cold so fast. Change me, now!
  12. You can’t blame me if I get sick because you haven’t washed this pacifier in three days.
  13. I feel like I should say, “pardon me.” But somehow that seems insufficient for having just spit up on your outfit and making you late for work.
  14. You do realize that I can’t understand you either, right?
  15. There’s a dryer sheet in these pajamas. Get it out! Get it out!
  16. Don’t take my diaper off now! No, no, no, no, no. Too late. I tried to warn you.
  17. If you make one mistake with those fingernail clippers, it better be the last finger because I’m going to slice you with what I have left.
  18. I’m crying because my baby monitor doesn’t have a screen so I can watch you too.
  19. If you sing another baby song one inch from my face again, you’re just begging me to sneeze in your mouth.
  20. Are you mocking my balance by hovering me over the floor as if I could walk? I won’t forget this when you are elderly.

2 ParentNormal Books Now Available!

The ParentNormal Crash Course is three crash courses of parenting humor in one that feature hilarious parenting warnings about the daily grind of parenthood. Get it now on Amazon.

Perfect Parenting is the parenting book with the fewest words but most important lesson: You aren’t going to be a perfect parent. Get it now on Amazon.

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