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10 Reasons to Read a Big Book of Parenting Tweets

by Chris Cate

BBPTweets Facebook may be the modern photo album where babies are always smiling, toddlers are spill-free and teenagers aren’t too cool to pose with their parents in every picture, but Twitter is the home for the all of the moments captured in between. One glance at a parent’s Twitter timeline and you’ll learn about the spit-up or headbutt that landed the moment after a Facebook photo was taken.

As the home of things parents don’t usually say out loud because there’s nobody old enough nearby to understand or because it’s just too honest, Twitter is a never-ending spring of parenting humor. Every mom and dad should spend a few moments a day reading parenting tweets if only to realize they aren’t alone in the blind chaos of parenthood.

If you aren’t already using Twitter or know how it works, Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood are making it easy for you. They just released a book called The Big Book of Parenting Tweets that features more than 300 hilarious parenting tweets, many of which have been illustrated for the book.

In full disclosure, some of my own tweets I send from @ParentNormal are included in the book, but so are so many others that you’ll recognize as frequent voices on HuffPost Parents’ and NickMom’s weekly list of funniest parenting tweets, among many other top parenting twitter lists.

If you want to buy the book, it’s available now on Amazon. Here’s 10 reasons from the book you should read parenting tweets:

Imagine having kids… Wrong, you don’t have time to imagine anymore.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2014

The baby said “Hot Mama” 10 times in a row. She was talking about her oatmeal, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 7, 2014

3yo: *singing in the bathroom* I have to go poopoo. The poopoo is coming out. And it’s okay to touch the poo- Me: *sprints into bathroom*

— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) August 31, 2013

How to calm a crying baby: 1. Pick it up. 2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 2, 2014

Parenthood is simply an increasingly ridiculous escalation of threats until you’ve taken away the possibility of having a pet llama.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 22, 2014

She took 4 y/o to the park & texted “Can I get her ice-cream?” Get her a heineken for all I care. Free babysitters get to call the shots.

— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) August 3, 2014

Yesterday I cleaned my house, which is dumb because we still live here.

— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 27, 2013

I wish bottles of ibuprofen came with a little prize inside, like maybe a babysitter.

— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) July 17, 2014

Reasons my 2-year-old threw a fit today: 1) I woke her up. 2) Her socks felt funny. 3) Her balloon was too floaty.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2014

Cutting a baby’s fingernails is like cutting the red, yellow and green wires on a bomb, hoping each clip doesn’t set off an explosion.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 17, 2014

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: baby, toddler

20 Lies You Can (and do) Tell Your Toddler Without Feeling Guilty

by Chris Cate

  1. All of your friends are asleep.
  2. You like your medicine.
  3. I’m not going to tell you again.
  4. The quiet game is fun!
  5. Your show ended already.
  6. I will pull this car over.
  7. We’re out of snacks.
  8. The (insert animal) really likes you.
  9. Mommy and Daddy think vegetables are delicious.
  10. Some fish enjoy “swimming” upside down.
  11. We’ll leave without you.
  12. The playground is closed.
  13. You have to eat all of your food.
  14. Nobody will notice the stain on your shirt.
  15. You’re the best (singer, cook, athlete, artist, etc.) in the world.
  16. We’re almost there.
  17. I already checked your closet for monsters.
  18. Maybe tomorrow.
  19. You don’t want to be late.
  20. Good morning.

Filed Under: Lists Tagged With: toddler

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Nov. 15, 2014

by Chris Cate

Last week I was the guest curator for Huffington Post Parents’ list of ‘Funniest Parenting Tweets’ so I didn’t post any tweets on my blog here. But we’re back with another list this week. (If you want to read my list for HuffPostParents from last week, click here.)

As always, I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

3yo: Mommy why do you vacuum so much? *drops entire bowl of Goldfish on the floor. Steps on them. Me: 3yo: Me: 3yo: Whoops.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) November 13, 2014

“Daddy it’s more morning now than it was before when I woke you up.” -my 4yr old is so cute & also a jerk for waking me up so early – twice

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 8, 2014

It’s kind of scary that I’m responsible for three small people and yet I can’t find the Enter button on the remote control.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 9, 2014

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Nov. 1, 2014 (Halloween Edition)

by Chris Cate

Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

After going trick or treating with my 4yo, 8pm feels like 3 in the morning. #HappyHalloween

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 1, 2014

I’ve found it important to give my kids safety tips before they go trick-or-treating. Example: Only steal candy from kids smaller than you.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 31, 2014

“Daddy, can I be a Ninja Turtle for Christmas?” -my 5yo son

— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 31, 2014

You’re not really a parent until you’ve threatened to cancel a holiday.

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) October 31, 2014

Oh, that’s tonight? [slowly slides trash can full of candy wrappers under desk with foot while maintaining eye contact]

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2014

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Uncategorized

20 Things Your Baby is Desperately Trying to Tell You

by Chris Cate

Colton Bouncer

  1. I don’t care how cute it is. This outfit itches worse than poison ivy.
  2. Oh no! My pacifier has fallen right beside my face. I’ll never be able to reach it now. Help!
  3. Maybe if you stopped rubbing my head so much, you wouldn’t still be wondering why I’m bald. Also, it’s not going to bring you good luck.
  4. Move your head. I can’t see the ceiling fan.
  5. My nose is NOT a button. Please stop pushing it. Tell everyone.
  6. Somebody needs to brush their teeth and it’s not the one of us without teeth, except when Grammy is here.
  7. I don’t find it amusing to be covered ear to ear in baby food by an airplane buzzing my head. Somebody needs to tell the pilot to slow down.
  8. How would you like it if I called you chunky monkey? Thought so.
  9. Nobody makes you wear your seatbelt in a restaurant, so why am I still buckled in my car seat?
  10. Stop smiling at me. Can’t you see that I’m angry at you for laughing at how I keep dropping these damn plastic keys?
  11. Would somebody who didn’t have bladder control be able to warm themself up whenever they wanted? Didn’t think so. (10 seconds later) I didn’t expect the urine to get so cold so fast. Change me, now!
  12. You can’t blame me if I get sick because you haven’t washed this pacifier in three days.
  13. I feel like I should say, “pardon me.” But somehow that seems insufficient for having just spit up on your outfit and making you late for work.
  14. You do realize that I can’t understand you either, right?
  15. There’s a dryer sheet in these pajamas. Get it out! Get it out!
  16. Don’t take my diaper off now! No, no, no, no, no. Too late. I tried to warn you.
  17. If you make one mistake with those fingernail clippers, it better be the last finger because I’m going to slice you with what I have left.
  18. I’m crying because my baby monitor doesn’t have a screen so I can watch you too.
  19. If you sing another baby song one inch from my face again, you’re just begging me to sneeze in your mouth.
  20. Are you mocking my balance by hovering me over the floor as if I could walk? I won’t forget this when you are elderly.

Filed Under: Lists Tagged With: baby

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Chris Cate
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#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #coronavirusmemes #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #socialdistance #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #selfquarantine #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #quarantinememes #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #quarantined #tiredasamother #socialdistancing #coronamemes
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#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
Instagram post 18189114073023350 For the last several weeks I’ve been watching countless YouTube tutorials and studying everything I can find about making tee shirts to sell. And I’m finally up and running with my own Etsy shop for parents now. 
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These are a few of my first shirts and I plan to be making many more. I hope you’ll check out my shop using the link in my bio. I’d love to know what you think. Thanks!
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#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #etsyshirtshop #etsygift #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #momclothes #etsyusa #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #marriedlife #parentinghumor #etsyfinds #parentingfail #parentingmemes #etsysale #funnymemesdaily #etsymom #momshirt #funnymomshirt #funnydadshirt #etsyshirt
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#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
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#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
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