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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Nov. 15, 2014

Last week I was the guest curator for Huffington Post Parents’ list of ‘Funniest Parenting Tweets’ so I didn’t post any tweets on my blog here. But we’re back with another list this week. (If you want to read my list for HuffPostParents from last week, click here.)

As always, I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

3yo: Mommy why do you vacuum so much? *drops entire bowl of Goldfish on the floor. Steps on them. Me: 3yo: Me: 3yo: Whoops.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) November 13, 2014

“Daddy it’s more morning now than it was before when I woke you up.” -my 4yr old is so cute & also a jerk for waking me up so early – twice

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 8, 2014

It’s kind of scary that I’m responsible for three small people and yet I can’t find the Enter button on the remote control.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 9, 2014

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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Nov. 1, 2014 (Halloween Edition)

by Chris Cate

Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

After going trick or treating with my 4yo, 8pm feels like 3 in the morning. #HappyHalloween

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 1, 2014

I’ve found it important to give my kids safety tips before they go trick-or-treating. Example: Only steal candy from kids smaller than you.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 31, 2014

“Daddy, can I be a Ninja Turtle for Christmas?” -my 5yo son

— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 31, 2014

You’re not really a parent until you’ve threatened to cancel a holiday.

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) October 31, 2014

Oh, that’s tonight? [slowly slides trash can full of candy wrappers under desk with foot while maintaining eye contact]

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2014

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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Oct. 25, 2014

by Chris Cate

I taught my toddler how to put me into time out and I’m basically the smartest parent on the planet.

— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) October 19, 2014

HOLDEN: I’m sick because I want to watch TV. As long as we’re being honest… ME: I’m letting you watch because I need an F’ing break.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) October 20, 2014

At a parent–teacher conference for my oldest. At what point do I stop worrying if the teacher likes me and knows that I’m smart?

— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) October 22, 2014

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An Open Letter to My Kindergartener’s “Boyfriend”

by Chris Cate

Today my five-year-old daughter informed me she has a boyfriend and that this hooligan (my words, not hers) is you. Before you try to tell me you didn’t know that you were her boyfriend, you can rest assured that I presumed that to be the case. Nobody would be so foolish as to court my daughter without asking for my permission first, right?

In my estimation, a gaggle of kindergarten girls must have sensed an imbalance in the ratio of princesses to princes on the playground and made a multitude of pairings for each other without the consultation of their counterparts. Your best attribute was probably your proximity to the swing set where the girls were planning their Frozen reenactment, so you can stop trying to high-five whoever is reading you this letter.

Regardless of whether you were complicit in this scheme, and I hope for your sake that you were not, it is necessary for me to put you on notice of the following:

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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Oct. 18, 2014

by Chris Cate

I don’t care if my child ever makes the honor roll. I’ll be happy if he just figures out how to use ChapStick. It’s not a food group, kid.

— That’s Parenting (@ThatsParenting) October 13, 2014

Of course our parents don’t understand what’s so hard about raising children. 95% of the methods they used to raise us are illegal now. — carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 15, 2014