- Is everybody screaming in my ear because I look old or because that’s how children talk these days?
- I really hope that’s just melted chocolate on his pants.
- Does this girl have a phone because she wants to take a selfie or because she is ignoring me?
- Would anybody notice if I put on the Easter Bunny head to protect myself from sneezes?
- I hope this kid’s parents understand what he is saying because I have no idea what I am promising Santa will bring him.
- What’s the point of this giant belt except to pinch my belly every time a kid jumps on me? It’s holding up nothing but the air I need to breathe.
- I could really use a bathroom break after that kid took a bathroom break on my lap.
- Is this suit itchy or is it the germs attacking me for wearing their home?
- I thought it was gross when a boy left his candy cane stuck in my beard, but my definition of gross has been redefined by this new kid who is eating it.
- What’s an app?
- I don’t think this girl is going to look at the camera unless it can turn into an iPad.
- Why must everyone pull my beard? I bet nobody pulls on Mickey Mouse’s ears to see if he is real. Next year I’m going back to the fake beard.
- (gasping) That hurt. Please no more nutcrackers with your swinging feet.
- I honestly can’t tell if the adults who want a picture with me know I’m not really Santa.
- These camera lights are going to kill me. My life is literally flashing before my eyes.
- If I make contact with another Santa Claus, would it break the space time continuum? Oh, no. I’m getting too deep into character and losing my mind. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those cookies after the kid who gave them to me dipped his whole hand in the milk.
- I don’t need to be in the food court to know this kid is guilty of stealing my Santa hat. It gave him the same family of lice it gave me.
- This kid’s breath smells like a dead reindeer.
- What kind of toys is, “whaaaah, wahaaah, whaaah…?”
- Would it be weird if I tagged every one of these pictures on my Facebook page? It would, right?
