- Is everybody screaming in my ear because I look old or because that’s how children talk these days?
- I really hope that’s just melted chocolate on his pants.
- Does this girl have a phone because she wants to take a selfie or because she is ignoring me?
- Would anybody notice if I put on the Easter Bunny head to protect myself from sneezes?
- I hope this kid’s parents understand what he is saying because I have no idea what I am promising Santa will bring him.
- What’s the point of this giant belt except to pinch my belly every time a kid jumps on me? It’s holding up nothing but the air I need to breathe.
- I could really use a bathroom break after that kid took a bathroom break on my lap.
- Is this suit itchy or is it the germs attacking me for wearing their home?
- I thought it was gross when a boy left his candy cane stuck in my beard, but my definition of gross has been redefined by this new kid who is eating it.
- What’s an app?
- I don’t think this girl is going to look at the camera unless it can turn into an iPad.
- Why must everyone pull my beard? I bet nobody pulls on Mickey Mouse’s ears to see if he is real. Next year I’m going back to the fake beard.
- (gasping) That hurt. Please no more nutcrackers with your swinging feet.
- I honestly can’t tell if the adults who want a picture with me know I’m not really Santa.
- These camera lights are going to kill me. My life is literally flashing before my eyes.
- If I make contact with another Santa Claus, would it break the space time continuum? Oh, no. I’m getting too deep into character and losing my mind. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those cookies after the kid who gave them to me dipped his whole hand in the milk.
- I don’t need to be in the food court to know this kid is guilty of stealing my Santa hat. It gave him the same family of lice it gave me.
- This kid’s breath smells like a dead reindeer.
- What kind of toys is, “whaaaah, wahaaah, whaaah…?”
- Would it be weird if I tagged every one of these pictures on my Facebook page? It would, right?
Facebook may be the modern photo album where babies are always smiling, toddlers are spill-free and teenagers aren’t too cool to pose with their parents in every picture, but Twitter is the home for the all of the moments captured in between. One glance at a parent’s Twitter timeline and you’ll learn about the spit-up or headbutt that landed the moment after a Facebook photo was taken.
As the home of things parents don’t usually say out loud because there’s nobody old enough nearby to understand or because it’s just too honest, Twitter is a never-ending spring of parenting humor. Every mom and dad should spend a few moments a day reading parenting tweets if only to realize they aren’t alone in the blind chaos of parenthood.
If you aren’t already using Twitter or know how it works, Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood are making it easy for you. They just released a book called The Big Book of Parenting Tweets that features more than 300 hilarious parenting tweets, many of which have been illustrated for the book.
In full disclosure, some of my own tweets I send from @ParentNormal are included in the book, but so are so many others that you’ll recognize as frequent voices on HuffPost Parents’ and NickMom’s weekly list of funniest parenting tweets, among many other top parenting twitter lists.
Imagine having kids… Wrong, you don’t have time to imagine anymore.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2014
The baby said “Hot Mama” 10 times in a row. She was talking about her oatmeal, but I’ll take whatever I can get.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 7, 2014
3yo: *singing in the bathroom* I have to go poopoo. The poopoo is coming out. And it’s okay to touch the poo- Me: *sprints into bathroom*
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) August 31, 2013
How to calm a crying baby: 1. Pick it up. 2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 2, 2014
Parenthood is simply an increasingly ridiculous escalation of threats until you’ve taken away the possibility of having a pet llama.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 22, 2014
She took 4 y/o to the park & texted “Can I get her ice-cream?” Get her a heineken for all I care. Free babysitters get to call the shots.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) August 3, 2014
Yesterday I cleaned my house, which is dumb because we still live here.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 27, 2013
I wish bottles of ibuprofen came with a little prize inside, like maybe a babysitter.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) July 17, 2014
Reasons my 2-year-old threw a fit today: 1) I woke her up. 2) Her socks felt funny. 3) Her balloon was too floaty.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2014
Cutting a baby’s fingernails is like cutting the red, yellow and green wires on a bomb, hoping each clip doesn’t set off an explosion.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 17, 2014
- All of your friends are asleep.
- You like your medicine.
- I’m not going to tell you again.
- The quiet game is fun!
- Your show ended already.
- I will pull this car over.
- We’re out of snacks.
- The (insert animal) really likes you.
- Mommy and Daddy think vegetables are delicious.
- Some fish enjoy “swimming” upside down.
- We’ll leave without you.
- The playground is closed.
- You have to eat all of your food.
- Nobody will notice the stain on your shirt.
- You’re the best (singer, cook, athlete, artist, etc.) in the world.
- We’re almost there.
- I already checked your closet for monsters.
- Maybe tomorrow.
- You don’t want to be late.
- Good morning.
Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:
I taught my toddler how to put me into time out and I’m basically the smartest parent on the planet.
— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) October 19, 2014
HOLDEN: I’m sick because I want to watch TV. As long as we’re being honest… ME: I’m letting you watch because I need an F’ing break.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) October 20, 2014
At a parent–teacher conference for my oldest. At what point do I stop worrying if the teacher likes me and knows that I’m smart?
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) October 22, 2014
Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy!
I don’t care if my child ever makes the honor roll. I’ll be happy if he just figures out how to use ChapStick. It’s not a food group, kid.
— That’s Parenting (@ThatsParenting) October 13, 2014
Of course our parents don’t understand what’s so hard about raising children. 95% of the methods they used to raise us are illegal now. — carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 15, 2014
There are two types of people in this world: people who get a good night’s sleep and parents.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 16, 2014