The ParentNormal

Your Home for Close Encounters of the Baby, Toddler & Elementary Kind

20 Things Your Mall Santa is Thinking

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mall santa

  1. Is everybody screaming in my ear because I look old or because that’s how children talk these days?
  2. I really hope that’s just melted chocolate on his pants.
  3. Does this girl have a phone because she wants to take a selfie or because she is ignoring me?
  4. Would anybody notice if I put on the Easter Bunny head to protect myself from sneezes?
  5. I hope this kid’s parents understand what he is saying because I have no idea what I am promising Santa will bring him.
  6. What’s the point of this giant belt except to pinch my belly every time a kid jumps on me? It’s holding up nothing but the air I need to breathe.
  7. I could really use a bathroom break after that kid took a bathroom break on my lap.
  8. Is this suit itchy or is it the germs attacking me for wearing their home?
  9. I thought it was gross when a boy left his candy cane stuck in my beard, but my definition of gross has been redefined by this new kid who is eating it.
  10. What’s an app?
  11. I don’t think this girl is going to look at the camera unless it can turn into an iPad.
  12. Why must everyone pull my beard? I bet nobody pulls on Mickey Mouse’s ears to see if he is real. Next year I’m going back to the fake beard.
  13. (gasping) That hurt. Please no more nutcrackers with your swinging feet.
  14. I honestly can’t tell if the adults who want a picture with me know I’m not really Santa.
  15. These camera lights are going to kill me. My life is literally flashing before my eyes.
  16. If I make contact with another Santa Claus, would it break the space time continuum? Oh, no. I’m getting too deep into character and losing my mind. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those cookies after the kid who gave them to me dipped his whole hand in the milk.
  17. I don’t need to be in the food court to know this kid is guilty of stealing my Santa hat. It gave him the same family of lice it gave me.
  18. This kid’s breath smells like a dead reindeer.
  19. What kind of toys is, “whaaaah, wahaaah, whaaah…?”
  20. Would it be weird if I tagged every one of these pictures on my Facebook page? It would, right?

10 Reasons to Read a Big Book of Parenting Tweets

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BBPTweets Facebook may be the modern photo album where babies are always smiling, toddlers are spill-free and teenagers aren’t too cool to pose with their parents in every picture, but Twitter is the home for the all of the moments captured in between. One glance at a parent’s Twitter timeline and you’ll learn about the spit-up or headbutt that landed the moment after a Facebook photo was taken.

As the home of things parents don’t usually say out loud because there’s nobody old enough nearby to understand or because it’s just too honest, Twitter is a never-ending spring of parenting humor. Every mom and dad should spend a few moments a day reading parenting tweets if only to realize they aren’t alone in the blind chaos of parenthood.

If you aren’t already using Twitter or know how it works, Kate Hall of Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood are making it easy for you. They just released a book called The Big Book of Parenting Tweets that features more than 300 hilarious parenting tweets, many of which have been illustrated for the book.

In full disclosure, some of my own tweets I send from @ParentNormal are included in the book, but so are so many others that you’ll recognize as frequent voices on HuffPost Parents’ and NickMom’s weekly list of funniest parenting tweets, among many other top parenting twitter lists.

If you want to buy the book, it’s available now on Amazon. Here’s 10 reasons from the book you should read parenting tweets:

20 Lies You Can (and do) Tell Your Toddler Without Feeling Guilty

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  1. All of your friends are asleep.
  2. You like your medicine.
  3. I’m not going to tell you again.
  4. The quiet game is fun!
  5. Your show ended already.
  6. I will pull this car over.
  7. We’re out of snacks.
  8. The (insert animal) really likes you.
  9. Mommy and Daddy think vegetables are delicious.
  10. Some fish enjoy “swimming” upside down.
  11. We’ll leave without you.
  12. The playground is closed.
  13. You have to eat all of your food.
  14. Nobody will notice the stain on your shirt.
  15. You’re the best (singer, cook, athlete, artist, etc.) in the world.
  16. We’re almost there.
  17. I already checked your closet for monsters.
  18. Maybe tomorrow.
  19. You don’t want to be late.
  20. Good morning.

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Oct. 25, 2014

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Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy:

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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week, Oct. 18, 2014

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Twitter is a great place to discover other parents going through the same absurd adventures as you. I hope you not only laugh at these tweets each week, but also follow their authors on Twitter. Enjoy!

[Read more…]

2 ParentNormal Books Now Available!

The ParentNormal Crash Course is three crash courses of parenting humor in one that feature hilarious parenting warnings about the daily grind of parenthood. Get it now on Amazon.

Perfect Parenting is the parenting book with the fewest words but most important lesson: You aren’t going to be a perfect parent. Get it now on Amazon.

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