I’m still working on my first traditional-length book (agent and publisher inquiries welcomed), but that hasn’t stopped me from self-publishing a couple of novelty books for fun. You can get them both on Amazon right now for only $5.
Perfect Parenting: A Complete History
Perfect Parenting: A Complete History is the parenting book with the fewest words but most important lesson: You aren’t going to be a perfect parent. It’s a perfect gift for any parent feeling overwhelmed. This book has 134 pages but less than 1,500 total words because (Spoiler Alert) there is no history of raising kids perfectly.
Every one of the book’s 40 chapters are empty.
Nobody has ever had a perfect pregnancy. Nobody has ever had a perfect morning getting kids dressed and fed. Nobody has ever had a perfect family vacation. No parent in history has ever had a perfectly clean house, a perfect way of getting kids to listen or even one night of perfectly restful sleep.
If you want lessons on how to be a perfect parent, DON’T buy this book. But if you or a friend need a tangible reminder on your coffee table, nightstand or both that perfect parenting is impossible, this book could be your nearly perfect solution. At the very least, it will be the easiest book for you to finish reading this year.
The ParentNormal Crash Course: Everything Traditional Parenting Books Are Afraid to Tell You About Close Encounters of the Baby, Toddler and Third-Year Kind
When you write thousands of tweets, some are bound to resonate with thousands of followers. I’ve been fortunate to have that happen to me, so I found a way to put the best of my tweets into a book: The ParentNormal Crash Course.
The ParentNormal Crash Course is three crash courses of parenting humor in one that feature hilarious parenting warnings about the daily grind of parenthood. After all, there is no such thing as parenting advice. There are only parenting warnings.
The ParentNormal Crash Course is divided into three quick, easy-to-read and punchline-filled courses including:
- The ParentNormal 101: 101 Things Every Parent Needs to Know Before Having a Baby
- The ParentNormal 102: 102 Things Every Parent Needs to Know Before Their Baby Becomes a Toddler
- The ParentNormal 103: 103 Things Every Parent Needs to Know Before Their Toddler Becomes a Threenager
You’ll learn parenting truths like:
- Raising a baby isn’t like raising a dog. It’s like being a dog. You’re always sniffing butts.
- Getting a baby to drink their medicine is like getting someone with arachnophobia to drink a spider, except harder.
- 95% of helping a toddler who falls down is trying not to laugh at how they fell down.
- The only thing threenagers can’t lose is their voice.
- Parents don’t go on vacation. Kids go on vacation while their parents babysit them.
BuzzFeed posted a list with jokes entirely from The ParentNormal Crash Course in a list titled 19 Things You Need to Know Before Your Baby Becomes a Toddler.