I may not blog every day, but I do post parenting humor on Twitter everyday. If you aren’t already following @ParentNormal, I hope some of my favorite tweets below will convince you to start:
I’ve never been to a yoga class, but I’ve taken 30 minutes to exit a baby’s room in slow motion… so I think I’ve done all the positions.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 19, 2014
*Superman saves toddler in street from speeding car* Superman: Next time make sure you’re holding someone’s h- *Toddler already in street*
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 24, 2015
When a toddler misses a nap it’s like buying a lottery ticket. You may be lucky enough to go to bed early, but chances are it just costs you
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 31, 2015
Toddlers don’t go out to eat with their families. They go out to eat with everybody in the restaurant. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 25, 2015
You can take my money, my car, my dignity… But just don’t get my baby off his schedule.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 4, 2015
4 year old: Can I sleep in your bed? I had a nightmare. Me: Was it a dream about spending an entire night in your own bed?
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 6, 2015
8:00pm Me: G’night. 4yr old: Will you check on me later? Me: Yes. 8:01pm 4yo: Why aren’t you checking? Me: I haven’t left the room yet!
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 4, 2015
My baby just grabbed the sunglasses off my face as if to make it clear there is never a time when parents are cooler than their kids. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 2, 2015
My toddler’s chants to wake me up have evolved from “Cereal, Cereal!” to “Poop, Poop!” Clever kid. He adapted his scheme to make me care.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 1, 2015
When a toddler says they want to talk on the phone, they really just want to hang up on somebody. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 31, 2015
Clean Toddler and Eating Toddler are like Clark Kent and Superman. You never see them at the same time.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 28, 2015
If texting and driving is dangerous, I don’t even want to know how dangerous it is to be parenting and driving.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 19, 2014
*A family arrives at van Gogh’s home in 1880’s France* Dad: It’s an honor to meet you. Mom: We love your work. Toddler: Where’s your ear?
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 26, 2015
The sound of my toddler snoring in my ear every night is my blessing and my curse.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 20, 2015
When my kids assure me they will clean up their mess, I know what my dentist must feel when I assure him I will floss.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 18, 2015
I just put ‘one minute of sleep’ on my Amazon Wish List. It’s currently unavailable.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 16, 2015
Fun Fact: Toddlers can hear the opening of a pantry or refrigerator from 250 miles away.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 15, 2015
Baby weight is like weather and wind chill. A baby can weigh 15 pounds, but he or she will feel like 75 pounds.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 13, 2015
The only knock-knock joke my toddler knows is the one that has a million knocks and no punch line.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 13, 2015
My 5yr old is like a YouTube ad. Whenever I try to watch a show, she makes me watch something else first. So I just forget about it.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2015
I always open the microwave with one second left because it’s the closest I come to having spare time.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2015
Children’s books are much more entertaining if you read all of the rhymes like the characters are in a rap battle.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2015
My toddler would never hit me. He’s just terrible at high-fives, right?
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 9, 2015
The f-bomb in my house is “fever.”
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 8, 2015
FADE IN: KITCHEN A toddler struggles to choose a cup. Dad: Why is this so hard? Cut to: LIVING ROOM Dad takes 4 hrs to pick Netflix show
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 6, 2015
My schedule is starting to fill up with important meetings. My toddler must be about to get sick.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 5, 2015
Our minivan didn’t come with cup holders, but it did come with shallow, circular trash cans for our kids to fill with sticky things.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 4, 2015
Grocery List 1.) Free cookie from bakery 2.) Broken jar pushed off shelf 3.) Snack to calm toddler 4.) Stop toddler from undressing 5.) Milk
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 3, 2015
If you’ve never taken a kids toy out of a wrapper, just imagine unwrapping a DVD that has been triple wrapped and tied up for no reason.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 25, 2014
Who needs finger paint when you can use finger ketchup, finger yogurt, finger peanut butter, finger spaghetti sauce, finger mashed potatoes…
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 13, 2014
Me: Where did you put your shoes? Toddler: I don’t know. Me: *shakes head. opens Google Earth to start search*
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 11, 2014
My daughter can’t figure out how to spell banana, and I can’t figure out how to spell it for her without singing a Gwen Stefani song.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 11, 2014
If this tv is so smart, why can’t it tell me where my toddler keeps hiding the remote?
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 10, 2014
Sometimes I think the reason coffee is so popular is because kids don’t like the taste enough to steal it from us.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 10, 2014
Sharing is a foreign concept to to toddlers until you have something they want. Then, they’re experts on the subject.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 6, 2014
The meaning of an all-nighter is very different for parents, but the hangover still feels the same.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 24, 2014
