The ParentNormal

Your Home for Close Encounters of the Baby, Toddler & Elementary Kind

  • ***Start Here***
  • Breaking Down Parenting: A ParentNormal Podcast
    • Breaking Down Parenting Blog Posts
  • The ParentNormal Activity Book Series
  • Contact

Favorite @ParentNormal Tweets

by Chris Cate

o-TWITTER-facebook

I may not blog every day, but I do post parenting humor on Twitter everyday. If you aren’t already following @ParentNormal, I hope some of my favorite tweets below will convince you to start:

I’ve never been to a yoga class, but I’ve taken 30 minutes to exit a baby’s room in slow motion… so I think I’ve done all the positions.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 19, 2014

*Superman saves toddler in street from speeding car* Superman: Next time make sure you’re holding someone’s h- *Toddler already in street*

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 24, 2015

When a toddler misses a nap it’s like buying a lottery ticket. You may be lucky enough to go to bed early, but chances are it just costs you

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 31, 2015

Toddlers don’t go out to eat with their families. They go out to eat with everybody in the restaurant. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 25, 2015

You can take my money, my car, my dignity… But just don’t get my baby off his schedule.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 4, 2015

4 year old: Can I sleep in your bed? I had a nightmare. Me: Was it a dream about spending an entire night in your own bed?

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 6, 2015

8:00pm Me: G’night. 4yr old: Will you check on me later? Me: Yes. 8:01pm 4yo: Why aren’t you checking? Me: I haven’t left the room yet!

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 4, 2015

My baby just grabbed the sunglasses off my face as if to make it clear there is never a time when parents are cooler than their kids. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 2, 2015

My toddler’s chants to wake me up have evolved from “Cereal, Cereal!” to “Poop, Poop!” Clever kid. He adapted his scheme to make me care.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 1, 2015

When a toddler says they want to talk on the phone, they really just want to hang up on somebody. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 31, 2015

Clean Toddler and Eating Toddler are like Clark Kent and Superman. You never see them at the same time.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 28, 2015

If texting and driving is dangerous, I don’t even want to know how dangerous it is to be parenting and driving.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 19, 2014

*A family arrives at van Gogh’s home in 1880’s France* Dad: It’s an honor to meet you. Mom: We love your work. Toddler: Where’s your ear?

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 26, 2015

The sound of my toddler snoring in my ear every night is my blessing and my curse.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 20, 2015

When my kids assure me they will clean up their mess, I know what my dentist must feel when I assure him I will floss.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 18, 2015

I just put ‘one minute of sleep’ on my Amazon Wish List. It’s currently unavailable.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 16, 2015

Fun Fact: Toddlers can hear the opening of a pantry or refrigerator from 250 miles away.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 15, 2015

Baby weight is like weather and wind chill. A baby can weigh 15 pounds, but he or she will feel like 75 pounds.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 13, 2015

The only knock-knock joke my toddler knows is the one that has a million knocks and no punch line.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 13, 2015

My 5yr old is like a YouTube ad. Whenever I try to watch a show, she makes me watch something else first. So I just forget about it.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2015

I always open the microwave with one second left because it’s the closest I come to having spare time.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2015

Children’s books are much more entertaining if you read all of the rhymes like the characters are in a rap battle.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2015

My toddler would never hit me. He’s just terrible at high-fives, right?

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 9, 2015

The f-bomb in my house is “fever.”

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 8, 2015

FADE IN: KITCHEN A toddler struggles to choose a cup. Dad: Why is this so hard? Cut to: LIVING ROOM Dad takes 4 hrs to pick Netflix show

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 6, 2015

My schedule is starting to fill up with important meetings. My toddler must be about to get sick.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 5, 2015

Our minivan didn’t come with cup holders, but it did come with shallow, circular trash cans for our kids to fill with sticky things.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 4, 2015

Grocery List 1.) Free cookie from bakery 2.) Broken jar pushed off shelf 3.) Snack to calm toddler 4.) Stop toddler from undressing 5.) Milk

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 3, 2015

If you’ve never taken a kids toy out of a wrapper, just imagine unwrapping a DVD that has been triple wrapped and tied up for no reason.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 25, 2014

Who needs finger paint when you can use finger ketchup, finger yogurt, finger peanut butter, finger spaghetti sauce, finger mashed potatoes…

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 13, 2014

Me: Where did you put your shoes? Toddler: I don’t know. Me: *shakes head. opens Google Earth to start search*

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 11, 2014

My daughter can’t figure out how to spell banana, and I can’t figure out how to spell it for her without singing a Gwen Stefani song.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 11, 2014

If this tv is so smart, why can’t it tell me where my toddler keeps hiding the remote?

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 10, 2014

Sometimes I think the reason coffee is so popular is because kids don’t like the taste enough to steal it from us.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 10, 2014

Sharing is a foreign concept to to toddlers until you have something they want. Then, they’re experts on the subject.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 6, 2014

The meaning of an all-nighter is very different for parents, but the hangover still feels the same.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 24, 2014

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: baby, toddler

Listen on Apple Podcasts

FacebookInstagramTwitter Pinterest

parentnormal

3x Dad. Words in Wash Post, Reader’s Digest, McSweeneys, more. Email or DM me for collaborations. chris@parentnormal.com. My new Etsy shop ⬇️

Chris Cate
So much tired. 😩⠀
.⠀
Credit @mommyowl⠀
.⠀
.⠀
.⠀
#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
I don't even like thinking about this. 😱⠀
.⠀
Credit /daddydoubts on Twitter⠀
.⠀
.⠀
.⠀
#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
This is so much harder to do than you realize. 😂⠀
.⠀
Credit @simoncholland⠀
.⠀
.⠀
.⠀
#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
Can't be too sure. 😂⠀ .⠀ Credit @thedad⠀ Can't be too sure. 😂⠀
.⠀
Credit @thedad⠀
.⠀
.⠀
.⠀
#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
I'll never figure out how 'sleep when the baby sle I'll never figure out how 'sleep when the baby sleeps' is supposed to work. 🤦‍♂️⠀
.⠀
Credit @lessonsfromtheminivan⠀
.⠀
.⠀
.⠀
#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
I usually skip to step 3. 😂⠀ .⠀ Credit /sup I usually skip to step 3. 😂⠀
.⠀
Credit /superconfusedd on Twitter⠀
.⠀
.⠀
.⠀
#parenting #parenthood #momlife #dadlife #kids #baby #preschool #toddler #toddlerlife #toddlerproblems #toddlerstyle #fatherhood #motherhood #momhumor #momprobs #momhustle #funnyparents #momstyle #parentingwin #parentinghumor #parentingquotes #parentingfail #parentingmemes #parenthacks #funnymemesdaily #toddlermom #parentingtips #tiredasamother #parentingblogger #parenting101
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Get a Free Copy of The ParentNormal Crash Course

* indicates required



Tweets by @ParentNormal

2 ParentNormal Books Now Available!

The ParentNormal Crash Course is three crash courses of parenting humor in one that feature hilarious parenting warnings about the daily grind of parenthood. Get it now on Amazon.

Perfect Parenting is the parenting book with the fewest words but most important lesson: You aren’t going to be a perfect parent. Get it now on Amazon.

Recent Posts

  • How to Build a Fanbase on Instagram and TikTok: Family Style with Anna Macfarlane
  • A Bridge to Healthy and Honest Meals
  • The Cost of Parenthood with Mike Julianelle
  • National Oreo Cookie Day!
  • Life as a Teen Mom with Sara Buckley

Categories

  • Blog
  • Breaking Down Parenting
  • Entertainment
  • Lists
  • MasterClass
  • Parenting Fails
  • ParentNormal Interviews
  • ParentNormal Mailbag
  • ParentNormal News
  • Perfect Parenting
  • Sponsored Content
  • The ParentNormal Comedy Podcast
  • The ParentNormal Crash Course
  • Uncategorized
  • Video

Copyright © 2021 · Metro Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in